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Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
accurate
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car