ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
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My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.