You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries