all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.