Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
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I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
get you a girl who
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.