SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
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Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Note to self: always read the final line
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
good work, everybody
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
are there any atheist mantises?