When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
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Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
A great tip. #CakeRex
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”