Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
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Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.