Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
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I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)