[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
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In case you needed to hear it:
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My work here is done
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.