Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Thursday
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
welp
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*