You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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Bill is short for Billiam
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?