If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!