My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
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Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you