Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I saw nothing
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.