Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
You Might Also Like
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Realize this:
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car