My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
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You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Choose your fighter
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie