Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.