Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
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I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Me, flirting😏
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.