My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Europe. Made in Germany.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
The best shot in the history of golf
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.