me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.