*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
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getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
never deleting this app.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.