I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
dictator is short for richard potato
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Danger is very dangerous
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night