Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
multitasking lunch
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.