I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.