Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
ouch
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.