Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Well, this is awkward
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”