If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
True.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Made something I’m not proud of
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.