wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
You Might Also Like
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.