Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
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They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
File under excellent bookstore names.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is