I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
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My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Born to be mild.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality