You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
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I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I came this close!!!!
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.