waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
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Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”