I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black