Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
You Might Also Like
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*