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It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy