Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Growing up was a huge mistake
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved