If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
The old gods are rising again.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.