me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician