I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
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There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
necessity is the mother of invention
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.