Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
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Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
What a website
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”