5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
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12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store