Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
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ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here