Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
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My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
when nothing goes right… go left
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Cheers Twitter.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about