Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.