If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Netflix and scream at our children?!
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.