Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.