would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
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Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
💯😂
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…