professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
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Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
this country is so goddamn polarized
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.