*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion